4.5 years ago, I surprised my girlfriend with a handlebar mustache. A few hours of side-eye later, she admitted that she might like "just a touch of filth." Since then, I've gone all in, surprising her again on July 4, 2021, blaring Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" and shaking my brand-new mullet, gray hair, and all.

I only use Suave Ocean Breeze 2-in-1 to keep this mane lush. It's perfect for feathered hair in the wind whenever I take the Honda Sprees out for a neighborhood rip, and it certainly adds to the smiles per gallon mentality!

My beer league hockey skills might be lackluster these days but having flow beneath the helmet at least helps me look more like Jaromir Jagr. I could still crush more post-game beers and hot dogs, though!

Also have the mullet to thank for my new job. In the interview, I probably made a good impression, but the mullet made a memory. They saw how well this mullet fit behind the wheel of a V8-powered Chevy van, and they mean as much "party in the back, business in the front" as I do. They'll also haul more being just as quick as your IROC-Z!

At some point, I'll donate this flow. Whether it's before the wedding or after is up for debate, but for the woman I now get to call my fiancé, this mullet is all natural, just for her, a touch of filth.